these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
