Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
