i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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