The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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