how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
