Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
