I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
