At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
