god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
