I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
