So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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