i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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