Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
