I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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