5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
