I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
