I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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