That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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