My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
