I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
