i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
