just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
