I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
