Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
