Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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