I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
