You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
