I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
