Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
