My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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