I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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