I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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