Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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