the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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