I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize