I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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