No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Someone came in the potted fern
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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