I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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