I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
