whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
