so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
