I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
