Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
