i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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