I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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