My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
