i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
