dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
