I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
