I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
