Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
