Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
