if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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