If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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