I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
