I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
