I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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