I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize