I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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