i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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