you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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